Hate Email: Deconstructed

99.9% of the email I receive is either regular business email, newsletters, and other typical email, but on occasion an entertaining one comes through. In this blog post, I deconstruct what's going through my mind as I read through this gem of an email. 

First, here's the email in its entirety:

From : Roland Dann <[email protected]***.com>
Date: August 26th, 2014
Subject: (no subject)

Chris, It is quite an accomplishment to become NRA Top Shot! However, Nobody really cares that you have chosen to have perverted sexual relations with another man! Some day maybe you will realize that man was made for woman and that is why our anatomy is different!!! Come out of the cloeset and be a real man!!

And now the play-by-play:

[email protected]***.com

- Stoned Jesus, is that you?

(no subject)

- I would expect Stoned Jesus to forget.

Chris, It is quite an accomplishment to become NRA Top Shot! 

- Aw gee, thanks! Also, if you put a line break after "Chris," then "It" is appropriately capitalized. Otherwise, I might suggest a dash (Chris - It ...) or simply use "it."

However, Nobody really cares that you have chosen to have perverted sexual relations with another man! 

- Actually, that's simply false on two points. 1) It's not a choice. 2) There are millions of gay people and straight allies who think that the freedom to love who you want is a human right. Also, unnecessary capitalization of "nobody."

Some day maybe you will realize that man was made for woman and that is why our anatomy is different!!! 

- Thanks for the free anatomy lesson. The three exclamation points will really help me remember your point. Seeing as your other sentences have fewer exclamation points, I assume this is your main point. 

Come out of the cloeset and be a real man!!

- So if I understand you correctly, being a "real man" is predicated on having sex with women. This is caveman logic to me. "ME HAVE SEX WITH WOMEN. ME REAL MAN!" Also, spellcheck.